Ketchup and Texas Pete

So while chatting pre-show with the ladies in the dressing room the other night- I told a story about how bizarre I was as a child. I'll share it with you now. Prepare yourself, Mom.




I was a very skinny child and always felt very underdeveloped in comparison to some of my friends. Sure I got a "training bra" in 5th grade, but I didnt need it till at least 10th. I was especially aware of my non- pubescent self while in the dressing room before dance classes. By around 6th grade some girls had started "menstruating". They all moaned and groaned about such things as cramps and bloating, and told the rest of us "Oh your sooo lucky you dont have to deal with this!" But I didnt feel lucky- I was jealous. I wanted in the club. I wanted to be a woman, too! This is when I hatched my brilliant plan- to fake it. I would pretend I had started my period so I could commiserate with the women's club. Now this is where it gets bizarre. Merely pretending wouldnt be enough. They would somehow know I was lying. They would need proof. So one day, before class, I scooped up a bunch of ketchup and hot sauce packets from the snack bar and stuffed them in my bag. When I got to the dressing room I went into a bathroom stall- I took out a tiny "emergency" pantie- liner from my purse and squirted the ketchup and hot sauce all over it. Then I strategically placed it in the trash can face up so everyone would see it. I proudly announced to all that I had started my period! The so called women could care less. No one even asked for proof, even though I had gone to all the trouble of preparing it in the trash can! Two years later, the day finally came. I skipped dance class that day.